Thanks for the Birthday Wishes

I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone for their happy birthday sentiments (belated or otherwise). I myself am guilty of often belatedly sending out my wishes to those celebrating their birthday a day or two late (or forgetting altogether). Even though it is a very small deed, I do sincerely thank you for your small gestures. I know how busy we all can get (God knows I've been exceedingly busy over the past couple weeks), and sometimes we do get lost in the transitions of time. I'd like to apologize to all those whose birthdays I have forgotten. Though I try my best, there are some failures we simply cannot prevent.

I didn't really do anything on my birthday; I didn't go out; I didn't have cake; I didn't eat a special meal; I didn't even sing a happy birthday song. I haven't really done anything on my birthday for the past 3 years. I guess it comes with the territory in living away from my family and friends during the summer (due to internships and the like). Yet, I don't feel any true regret over not celebrating. So I didn't have any songs sung in my honor or any over-icing-ed cake; things like that don't really matter to me anymore. Up till as little as a year ago, it would have. It would have bothered me that no one came and celebrated me for at least a day. That no one gave up their time, went out of their way, or altered their schedule specifically for me. Perhaps it is that selfish desire that all feel that at least one day a year should be entirely about ourselves. Yet, I no longer feel such resentment.

I've come to the realization over the past few months that I no longer really care about...well, anything. Nothing flusters me, very little excites me. I don't remember any time within the last few months when I was ecstatically happy, nor the last time I was despairingly sad. I've become mellow to the extreme; some have described me as "constantly on a high." But it is a double-edged sword.

Not caring about anything has worked in my favor in work, in my relationships, in my friendships, and my family. I no longer feel the anxiety or fear of failure or the inability to meet the expectations of others. I no longer care whether I feel wronged or offended by a friend or acquaintance or family member. I remember when my extended family criticized me 11 months ago for my "bad grades" (B+'s aren't that bad...), and I honestly thought I could have punched them all right in their faces. If they did the same now, I would probably just shrug it of and say "I guess." But, it cuts both ways, in that I no longer care whether others care about me. If a friend lets me down, or a family member disappoints me, it no longer matters to me. I just shrug it off and think "well I don't really need that person anyway." In that way, it has become the most care-free process to let people go, to let them out of my life.

It's probably all the best for me. I've always been a deep thinker, someone who concentrates on the little things far too much (just ask my ex-girlfriend). Not caring is probably the best thing for me, because it allows me to let go of all the details that I notice, whether it be a friend's lack of respect, or a family member's lack of compassion. These things, I can now just brush off my shoulder like a leaf fallen off a tree.

How much difference a year can make. One more year for my own personal little history book. One more year forward in my progress in time. One more year lost to the annals of our memories. One more year, in which the feelings that we felt in the past slowly become hazier and steadily fade in the horizon, only to leave us wondering why we ever felt them in the first place. Such is time. Such is life.