Guide to Dick-hoodery, Part 2

As a part of the continuing series, I present JK's Guide to Dick-hoodery: How to Make Everyone You Meet Think You're a Complete Dick, Part 2. In case you missed the first one, here's a short review of the first 4 Rules.

1. Make sure everyone knows how great you are.
2. "One-up" every single statement made by any friend, colleague, acquaintance, or random stranger.
3. Control your conversations, preferably with as little input as possible from your audience, and definitely no input from those who would interrupt.
4. Never ever do anything that does not directly benefit yourself.

With that, let's get to the next few rules...

Rule #5: If someone makes a mistake or mis-speaks, make fun of them the entire night

If someone makes a mistake, say mis-quotes a movie or cannot follow a television or anime reference, make sure they know about it. Be consciously on the lookout for this types of slight mistakes, for these are the best to exploit to make your opposing party feel as shitty as possible. Movie quotes are the best, because you can ream on the person all night for their slight mistake, constantly bringing it up and never-letting it go. "Constantly" is the key here, since any of those who make mistakes should be justly punished for their error. Even if it would be just as easy for you to let it slide and pretend like they were correct in their reference, disregard that thought and continue to barrage them with insults about their sensory and/or analytic abilities. This is best, because even if they complain about it, you can always casually remark that they were wrong, and you were right, so therefore you are justified in throwing it in their face repeatedly. Any verbal counterattack from them is unjustified; after all, they were wrong. Thus, you can always claim that they are overreacting to your simple correction, even if you were/are a complete dick in doing so.

Rule #6: If you know any embarrassing moments involving someone, make sure you bring it up promptly and often: it's a great conversation starter.

This is best used when you have a friend or acquaintance with you at a certain event. If you're meeting new people and you're with a friend, and you happen to know an embarrassing moment involving that person, bringing it up is the best way to get a conversation going. So, whenever you go to a party or gathering with your friend, just casually throw them under the bus as a conversation starter. Good examples are: girls they stalked in high school, any type of failure, and any of the the mistakes stated above. "Hey, that's like the time you..." or "Yea that's just like when you..." are good intro's that can be used to lead into said embarrassing moments. Not only does this make your friend look bad, but it also makes you look superior to them by bringing up their faults in front of them. In this way, it is doubly beneficial in both increasing your image while decreasing your friend's. Thus, you are almost assured to have an advantage over that person when it comes to interacting with your new acquaintances.

Rule #7: Whenever someone makes you feel remotely uncomfortable, make sure to quickly retaliate (verbally and physically at times) without taking the time to think or understand what that person is truly trying to say.

This is key to maintaining your standing in front of an audience. If anyone (even someone who you may be interested in) makes you feel even remotely uncomfortable, make sure to retaliate and attack them in some way, shape, or form. It does not matter what they said, how they said it, or what they meant by it: if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it must have been a personal, unwarranted attack on yourself. If you take the time to actually stop and think about what they said, you will have wasted precious time and prestige by allowing them to escape unscathed (if even for a moment). It is absolutely imperative that you never, ever take an insult cleanly without response or reprise. Even if you could easily shake off such an insult, such as an insult to your grammar and/or diction, make sure you instead turn on the opposing person and pick out something as miniscule and meaningless and blast them with it.

Rule #8: Never ever let anyone else have the last word

This one is fairly self-explanatory: never ever let anyone else end a conversation. It must always be you who has the last line in a conversation. Even if that conversation is something as simple as "Yea," make sure that the last voice heard in any conversation is your own. Even if someone responds with, "wow I completely agree with you," make sure you respond with "Yea" or something like it. This is linked to Rule #3 and controlling the conversation. Since you must always be in control of your conversation, this makes it imperative that you are always the one who gets in the last line of a conversation. Not only does this control the conversation, but it also gives you an air of superiority (since it is their opinions that are coming to you and receiving your approval). Thus, not only do you maintain your status as conversation controller, but you also increase your superiority over others by forcing them to become your subordinate in a conversation. As an added bonus, if anyone ever brings this up to you, you can casually brush it off as nonsense and continue to control the conversation. As such, you are also impervious to insult, a great bonus to any and all those who wish to reach dick-hoodery.

To Be Continued...

Guide to Dick-hoodery, Part 1

Since I have a reasonable amount of experience in the discipline, and the fact that many people don't know how to properly execute such techniques, I am here to present you with JK's Guide to Dick-hoodery: How to Make Everyone You Meet Think You're a Complete Dick. I preface this with saying that I don't know that dude in the picture (got the photo from the Wikipedia article for "Upturned Collar"), but if I had to pick a random image to associate with the word "dick," (in the non-penis sense) such a person would probably come up.

Now, for the guide...

Rule #1: Make sure everyone knows how great you are.

Whenever you're at a social gathering, be it a party, dinner, or just hanging with your friends, make certain that you mention how great you are early and often. Accomplish something completely unremarkable in the past year? Make sure they know about it! Even if your accomplishment is something as inane as finally managing to drag your ass out of bed to go to class, your accomplishments are certainly more important than anyone else's, and thus should be heard by the masses early and often (Within 10 minutes of the beginning of the gathering and about 3 to 5 times per hour to keep it fresh in their minds.). Phrases such as "Hey, you know what I did..." and "You know that I..." work as good lead-ins to touting said accomplishment.

Heck, even if you haven't accomplished anything, ever, just continue to tout your own greatness regardless of subject or audience. It's not as if you need proof or examples of such greatness; Your word is good enough for them.

Rule #2: "One-up" every single statement made by any friend, colleague, acquaintance, or random stranger.

This one is closely related to number one. If by chance your audience has shifted its attention to someone else and their acts or accomplishments, make sure to bring their attention back to your accomplishment in a reasonable amount of time (45 seconds should do). After all, it's not as if anyone else has ever done anything important with their time, so they might as well just sit back and listen to you talk about yourself and your greatness. The best way to do this is to "one-up" the person who is stealing your audience from you. To "one-up" someone, simply take whatever subject your opposition is touting, belittle it as much as possible, then comment on the fact that your accomplishments far outweigh your opposition's. Phrases such as "Oh yeah? That's (insert easy/simple/stupid/idiotic/pointless). Just last week I did...." work well in such cases. If you wish for a swift change of subject, simply use "Well listen to this" or "Well I did this," and your sentiment of belittling your opposition's accomplishment will be implied and easily inferred by your audience. It is also important to use this regardless of whether your accomplishment relates in any way whatsoever to the subject at hand. After all, it is imperative that their attention remains focused on you.

Rule #3: Control your conversations, preferably with as little input as possible from your audience, and definitely no input from those who would interrupt

This rule combines the skills you've gained through Rules 1 and 2, and allows you to "control the conversation." How does one "control" a conversation? This can easily be accomplished by continuously monologuing and not allowing your fellow convers-ee to interject. However, there are some cases where you may not want such (if you're trying to hook up with said convers-ee is most often the case). Thus, in order to allow your convers-ee/prey to respond while still controlling the conversation, you must simply prevent others from entering your conversation. Thus, if you are in a group larger than you and your prey (your prey may be more than one person, depending on how ambitious you are), make certain not to include any phrases that may bring others into the conversation. Make sure to avoid phrases such as, "What do you think?" "How are things going with you?" or "Having fun?" since such phrases may lead to interjection by outside parties. Also, never ever address anyone outside your prey by their name, as this will most certain lead to interruption. In short, keep the conversation focused on you and your prey, and do not include anyone in your conversation. The best case scenario is to have you and your prey talking, smiling, and laughing while everyone else is standing around awkwardly forced to take in your conversation from the outside.

Rule #4: Never ever do anything that does not directly benefit yourself

If you are already an expert dick, this rule probably has no meaning to you, because you probably only think in terms of yourself, so doing anything for someone else's sake is simply impossible for you. However, for those novices who may still help out others when they need a hand, make certain to stop as soon as possible. The reasoning is simple: any effort that you expend for someone else's benefit is effort that you could have used on yourself. Since we live in a world where we are constantly searching for ways to maximize our time and effort, it is thus best to focus all of your attention on yourself. Self-sacrifice? If you know what that means, forget it now. This is also related to Rule 3, since bringing someone else into a conversation not only diverts attention away from you, but it also expends effort on your part that you could have spent touting yourself. Thus, before you take any action or make any decision, make certain that the choice you make benefits only yourself, because if it benefits anyone else, it must surely not be the maximal choice.

(To Be Continued...)