A Fear Sleeps, Inside Your Stomach, It Swells...

It's so strange. I don't know why I always get the urge to write late at night, but I do. Maybe it's because that's when my best ideas start coming to me. Or that's when I finally have some time to slow down and think about the things that I've been through, the things I've experienced. I write a lot by feelings: depending on which feeling dominates me at a certain point, usually has the greatest influence on the topic I decide to write about. If I feel happy and expository, I'll write about basketball, or movies. If I feel angry or sad, I may write about my frustrations or my tribulations. With each feeling, I try to write about it in some way as a method of expressing my emotions. I usually try to tie each emotion in to some topic, be it basketball, movies, anime, philosophy, school, family, or even searching for a job. But some feelings have no context...

So, what is it that I feel now? I'm not sure to be honest. School is pretty much over except for finals and a couple assignments, but nothing too prevalent. Tomorrow is the last day of classes, and I don't have anything due so I'll be able to go out and have some fun. Yet, I can't seem to shake this feeling. This feeling that I can't really explain. This feeling that seems so close, yet so far. This feeling that seems so much, like fear.

I'm willing to admit that I am afraid of certain things; that's part of me being honest with myself and others. But one's fears so often shape what one is, that exposing one's fears to the world is the quickest way to lose one's own mystique, one's own aura of ambiguity. Ask yourself, "what do I fear?" Answer honestly. It doesn't have to be an object or a tangible goal. It can be something like failing yourself, not living up to your own standards, or not having enough fun while you can, or giving up too soon, or any number of things. But think about your answer. Think about what you fear. Sometimes this is the hardest question in life, figuring out what you truly fear. Nothing mundane, like spiders, or the dark, but real life fears. Occurrences that seem so hideous that you would do anything to avoid them. Once you understand that which you truly fear, is when you truly understand yourself and the true reasons behind your actions.

What do I fear? I'm not sure. But I do know what I do not fear. I don't fear failure. I don't fear loneliness. I don't fear death. I don't fear pain. I don't fear the unknown, and I don't fear the truth. So what is it that could bring me to write an entire post devoted to fear? Perhaps the fear that all the people I know will pass through my life, one at a time, without truly coming to know what I understand. That people will only know one facet of my self without learning all there is to know. The fear that my words go unheeded, my advice goes unwanted, my ideas go unknown.

Perhaps that's the way I like it, not being understood. Perhaps this fear is just a visceral reaction to myself thinking that perhaps my way of living is wrong. But I do remember one time Matt told me something to the effect of, "now that I think about it, I don't really know anything about what JK likes or dislikes." And I remember that made me happy. Not being understood. The fact that everyone knows me, but no one really knows me. I don't know why that makes me happy. Maybe it's just my mind coming to accept the way that I am. Maybe it's just me settling for the fact that I don't want to change myself, the way I act. Who knows.

I leave you with the beautiful song, "Sadame," from the anime X. I can play this song on the piano, and it's so amazing, in that it can both calm me and bring me to tears depending on the circumstances. It encompasses so many of my raw emotions, and if you truly listen, you can hear the song telling you a story. A story of joy, sadness, despair, and lasting fear.