Motion Picture Magic: Rambo (2008)

"You know what you are..."

"...what you're made of..."

"War is in your blood..."

"Don't fight it..."

"You didn't kill for your country...You killed for yourself..."

"God's never gonna make that go away..."

...

"When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathin..."

....

Or as my friends like to say: "When ya push'd, killin's zas zeazy as breazin's."

So begins a new continuing feature that I would like to present, "Motion Picture Magic," with my reviews of really good/really bad movies (or movies that I just plain enjoy for no good reason). Above is some of the best monologue from the brilliant film that I watched last Saturday, "Rambo." Written, starring, and directed by Sylvester Stallone, "John Rambo" is the latest installment of the "Rambo" series, with 20 years since the release of "Rambo III" in 1988. I won't go into too many details about the Rambo franchise, but the main point is that Rambo is usually sent on missions involving him going into enemy terrority alone, heavily armed, and usually outnumbered somewhere on the order of 100 to 1. Now, the only other Rambo movie I've seen is the first Rambo movie, and that was a long time ago, but many of Stallone's character traits in this installment are shown to be the results of him perhaps going on one too many missions and ripping the throats off one too many dudes.

The short version of the background story is that Rambo is now living the peaceful life of a boatman/snake-catcher in Thailand, still seemingly haunted by his experiences in the past (killing hundreds of dudes will do that to you). Well, a Christian missionary group shows up and wants to be taken into nearby Burma, to aid some of the rural villages with supplies and medical skills (such as sewing up legs that have been blown off by land mines, ya know, the usual). Naturally, Rambo gives them the "wow you guys are really dumb" speech, but is finally convinced by some white chick (I guess Rambo probably hasn't had a good lay in a while). He takes them up river and drops them off safely, but somehow, the village they are in manages to get bombed, massacred, and basically completely destroyed by Burmese Tyrant X (they don't say his name in the movie, at least not that I heard), who is a short, Burmese (you guessed it) dude, with almost no motivation as to why he's destroying every village in his path. There is a reason, but it's kinda lame, in that he's pissed off at the world for being...different... (I HATE TO RUIN THE MOVIE FOR YOU, BUT HE'S INTO BOYS). Naturally, some dude shows up asking for Rambo to go save the stupid white people, and we're off to the massacre.

Now, I was actually surprised after I was done with this movie, because I didn't think it was the worst movie ever. It's probably up there in the top 50, but definitely not Top 20 worst movies I've ever seen (I've seen some bad ones, ie Troll 2). Sylvester Stallone was somewhere between bad and fair, acting-wise, but I felt the movie's direction, cinematography, and effects managed to keep me engaged for the duration of the film (a seemingly very short hour and 33 minutes). The chief white girl and white guy of the missionary party were so annoying that they made me wanna take a sledgehammer to my nuts (and that's saying something, cuz there's not many reasons I can think of as to why I would ever want to take a sledgehammer to my nuts), but the overall cast didn't make me want to puke (which is more than I can say for say...Spiderman 3, but more on that some other time). But the crazy part is how huge Stallone looks. I mean, huge (see picture above). Honestly, Stallone looks as if he's been doing more steroids than the entire MLB, NFL, and WWE combined. The man's like 60 for Christ's sake. It is not natural to be that old and that buff.

Now comes the good part. The special effects in this movie were ridiculous. When I say special effects, I don't mean explosions, crazy lights, or various visual effects. I'm talking about bodies exploding (yes, exploding). Some of the scenes had such realistic violence that a couple times I was thinking, "whoa, did they hire some random Thai dude to get his face blown off?" or "Wow, I think they may have actually killed a guy, that was so real." There are multiple scenes that involve lots of people getting mowed down by some pretty enormous 50 cal's, and people are losing limbs/faces/torsos left and right. All I'm thinking is "Wow, either they're really killing people, or that's a lot of fake blood and limbs."

In short, if you want some good entertainment (and unintentional comedy) for an hour and a half, Rambo will not disappoint. The body count is a fairly impressive 236, with 99% of the kills being either evil Burmese army guys or innocent civilians (lots of innocent civilian deaths in this one). But definitely do not watch this film if you have an aversion to blood/guts/gore/lost limbs/rampant death. Otherwise, I definitely implore you to partake in this *ahem* visual masterpiece *ahem*.

Overall Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

I leave you with the NC-17 teaser for Rambo. Warning: do not watch this if you have an aversion to gore.

Cannot Catharsize: Welcome to the NHK

For this edition of "Cannot Catharsize," I'll be focusing on the anime that I just burned through in the span of about three days, "Welcome to the NHK." (The Japanese name is "NHK ni Yokoso!" which translates to, you guessed it, "Welome to NHK"). To give you some perspective as to my loserish-ness (yes I just made up that word, I love English), this series is composed of 24 episodes that run the standard length of about 23 minutes. Subtracting between 2 and 3 minutes for opening and ending themes (that I skip if I am fully engrained, which I was), that adds up to about 20 minutes per episode. Multiply by 24, we have 480 total minutes, divided by 3 days, we have 160 minutes per day. That makes it exactly 2.666 (repeating, of course) hours per day spent watching this anime. Some of you (*coughMattcough*) will say that this is nothing, and I will admit that such is not the highest density of anime I have watched on a per day basis, but the fact that I'm busy with school with projects and homework's galore, and still manage to waste time watching 8 hours of anime, should tell you enough of how engaging this series is.

NHK ni Yokoso (I use the Japanese because I'm cooler than you) is a slice-of-life, comedic drama based around the life of a 22 year old man, Satou Tatsuhiro (last name first, because that's the correct way to write it). The gist of the plot is that Satou is a hikikomori, someone who is extremely hermetic despite the bustling Japanese society, who dropped out of college, never leaves his room, and manages to survive via an allowance given to him by his parents. Satou is very easily influenced by others, throughout the series being led to believe that, 1.) the pain and struggles of his life are a conspiracy created by an evil organization, 2.) that he can make a living by playing online games (WoW style), 3.) that he can rid himself of his hikikomori status by taking prescription pills. Satou has an elaborate imagination, causing to have impossible fantasies (especially sexual ones) involving various other characters and occasions.

Then, out of nowhere (plot device yay), a 17-year-old girl named Nakahara Misaki (last name first) shows up at his door with her aunt attempting to solicit people into buying various publications. Somehow (I won't spoil it for you, and it's too long to write), Misaki gets into regular contact with Satou, as she begins to "teach" him how to rid himself of his hikikomori status. Many other characters are introduced, such as Kaoru Yamazaki, Satou's next door neighbor and former kouhai who goes to vocational school to learn game design, and Kashiwa Hitomi, Satou's former senpai who is dependent on drugs and obsessed with conspiracy theories, among others.

The series truly captivated me because many of Satou's fantasies/psychotic reactions are seemingly very normal (to me at the very least). When he hears someone laugh, he wonders if that person is laughing at him. When he sees someone give him a disgusted look, he assumes it's something wrong with him. Not only does he come up with elaborate fantasies regarding the source of these insults (when a teacher at Yamazaki's vocational school chuckles, Satou assumes it's because the teacher thinks he's better than him), but he also comes up with elaborate excuses and/or lies to cover up the truth of many matters. He lies so often that he gets trapped or convinced by his own lies, such as: believing that a girl character in an online game is actually in love with him, trying to convince Misaki that he's always working in his room, not just sitting there doing nothing, and fooling his mother into believing that he has a job and a girlfriend.

Yet, the main beauty of NHK ni Yokoso is the fact that all the characters have their strengths and weaknesses. They are all weak in some way, whether it be Satou's lies or Yamazaki's condescending attitude about women. But they're also all strong in some way, such as Misaki's unyielding support for Satou or Satou's sense of justice that compels him to meet with Misaki (in order to protect her from the molester that was rumored to seek young women in the park in which they meet). All the characters are beautifully real, with no one seeming too strong or too weak (perhaps with the exception being Satou). But most of all, the show really gives you excellent perspective in that your life is yours to live, that failure is only assured if you don't try, and that just because things go wrong in life sometimes, does not mean it is your fault.

With that, I leave you with the absolutely insane ED "Odoru Akachan Ningen", which translates roughly to "Dancing Baby Humans." (it's insane, trust me). (Yea, his appliances talk to him). (I told you it was insane).

NBA: Where the 2008 Playoffs Happen

And so begins the craziest NBA playoffs in decades. As of yesterday, the playoff match-ups were set, and now its time to get down to business of picking the winners. Some of the winners will be obvious; others, not so much. And while I do not guarantee accuracy nor credibility, I do want to get my picks on record (ya know, just in case they turn out right. Then I can shove it in everyone's face. That's the goal.). For those of you who don't know, each series is best of 7, so if one team gets 4 wins, they advance. Whoever has the better record has home court advantage, with games being played 2 home - 2 away- 1 home - 1 away - 1 home until the Finals, when it switches to 2 home - 3 away - 2 home. With that, let's get to the games...

Let's start in the Eastern Conference, because that one's easier...

Eastern Conference
First Round

#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #8 Atlanta (37-45)

Um....nothing really to say here. If Boston loses even one game, I think Kevin Garnett may have a psychotic reaction. And the Celtics really don't want to see that. That and the Hawks kinda suck. And Boston won 29 more games than Atlanta this season (there are 82 games in all).
Verdict: Boston in 4

#2 Detroit (59-23) vs. #7 Philadelphia (40-42)

The Pistons come into the playoffs with the second best record in the East, but they've lost their past two games to Philadelphia in March and April. Albeit the Pistons didn't really try for March and April, but the fact that they gave up 100 points to Philadelphia is cause for concern. However, Philadelphia is mostly a fast-pace team, relying on fast breaks and hot shooting streaks to win games, and in a 7 game series against one of the slowest, most deliberate teams in the league, I doubt that Philadelphia will be able to play at the pace in which they enjoy so much success.
Verdict: Detroit in 5

#3 Orlando (52-30) vs. #6 Toronto (41-41)

God I hate Toronto...every year I think they're gonna have a monster season at the beginning, then they either get injured and/or play really shitty. This season has been a good mix of both. As for Orlando, a lot of people say they rely a lot on the 3, but why wouldn't you when you have Dwight Howard in the middle? Howard is (period) the most athletic big man in the league, and containing him is difficult for any team despite Howard's lack of low-post prowess (he relies so much on his athleticism as opposed to skills and maneuvers). Plus, Toronto been playing especially crappy as of late, so I don't see any reason why they would give the Magic any trouble.
Verdict: Orlando in 5

#4 Cleveland (45-37) vs. #5 Washington (43-39)

Man, I really don't like this Cavs team... and I really like this Washington team. Gilbert Arenas coming off the bench is by far the best thing they could do. I think Gilbert screws up the chemistry of the first unit, which is playing extremely well behind Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison. And, after watching Ben Wallace stink it up last year with the Bulls, I see no reason as to why he'll start trying this time around. It's really tough for me to go against Lebron James, because he's so ridiculously good (and only 1.5 years older than me), but I think I'm going to have to in this case. The Wizards have been playing fairly well coming into the playoffs, while Cleveland has just been like...sputtering.
Verdict: Wizards in 6

Conference Semifinals

#1 Boston vs. #5 Washington

I love this match-up. The Wizards have beaten the Celtics 3 times this year, more than any other team can claim. These wins include one game last week, and one game in Boston on Jan 14. Why is this important? Because Boston has lost only 5 games at home this year (the second best home record to the Utah Jazz's 31-4). But, I think Washington knows something that everyone else doesn't. This is a huge gamble, but I'm thinking that Washington takes one of the first two games in Boston, both games in Washington, then closing out in Game 6. Thus...
Verdict: Washington in 6

#2 Detroit vs #3 Orlando

I have no idea what to make of this. This is really up in the air because no one knows which Orlando is gonna show up: the hot shooting, streaky Magic, or the bricking feeble Magic. When the 3's are falling, Orlando is unstoppable, because no one in this league can guard Dwight Howard one on one. But, if there's one team that can make Orlando shoot poorly, it's Detroit. Plus, Detroit has so much playoff experience versus the relatively young Magic team.
Verdict: Detroit in 5

Conference Finals

#5 Washington vs. #2 Detroit

Detroit beat down Washington by 28 on April 11 with their reserves. Sorry Washington, but they only seem to have the death touch when it comes to the Celtics. Easy pick here.
Verdict: Detroit in 5

Western Conference
First Round

#1 Los Angeles Lakers (57-25) vs. #8 Denver (50-32)

Notice the difference in wins: The Lakers have only 7 more than Denver, versus Boston having 29 more than Atlanta... but, the Lakers will dominate this series nonetheless. There were a couple teams in the West that the Nuggets would have a genuine chance at beating, but the Lakers are not one of them. The Lakers have too many offensive weapons, and unlike the Nuggets, the Lakers can actually play defense for stretches.
Verdict: Los Angeles in 4

#2 New Orleans (56-26) vs. #7 Dallas (51-31)

All this talk about Chris Paul not having any playoff experience is nonsensical. Paul will come in, play these games like they were any other game, take Jason Kidd to school, and look good doing it. Dirk Nowitski has been playing well for the Mavs, but they're not the team they were last year or the year before. Many of their key role players are not having stellar years (Josh Howard, Jason Terry), and the addition of Jason Kidd has made them worse on defense and marginally better on offense. Plus, Chris Paul is going to make Jason Kidd look old, slow, and broken by the end of this series.
Verdict: New Orleans in 6

#3 San Antonio (56-26) vs, #6 Phoenix (55-27)

I'll admit, I was one of the people who was like "WTF" when Phoenix traded Shawn Marion for Shaq. But, this trade has been a major success (if only for the next couple seasons, before Steve Nash and Shaq get REALLY old, as opposed to just old). The main reason why is because Amare Stoudamire now has a new best friend, both in the locker room and on the court. His numbers since the Shaq trade are through the roof, and I think it's not only due to O'Neal's morale boosting personality, but also to the fact that Amare no longer has to play defense ("Thank God," says Amare). Other than that, the Spurs look old. Really old. And even though I just wrote an article about the good luck charm that is Robert Horry, I can't see the Spurs beating a Suns team that has taken them down in their past two meetings.
Verdict: Phoenix in 6

#4 Utah (54-28) vs. #5 Houston (55-27)

Some of you may be saying "dude you messed up, Houston has a better record so they should be seeded higher." Sadly, such is not the case my friends (cause I never mess up ;) ). Check out the NBA playoffs format to see for yourself. Houston does have homecourt advantage (yea, it's messed up), and yet, still has no hope. Why? Because Houston has one offensive play. It's called, "Give the ball to Tracy McGrady, watch him drive, and either put up a terrible shot or turn the ball over." Sorry Houston, you've got nothing else. Your entire offense runs through McGrady, and that's a recipe for disaster against an excellently coached Jazz team.
Verdict: Utah in 6

Conference Semifinals

#1 Los Angeles vs. #4 Utah

Unlike Houston, LA actually has quite a few offensive weapons, probably more than any other team in the league. That and LA has enough bodies to handle both Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams. Couple that with a Lakers bench that is somewhere between 3 and 5000 times better than Utah's, and you have a series.
Verdict: Los Angeles in 6

#2 New Orleans vs. #6 Phoenix

New Orleans has beaten Phoenix all 4 times they've played this season. However, only one of these games was after the Shaq trade, and that was before Phoenix found their rhythm with Shaq. The biggest x-factor will be if Shaq can keep up with Tyson Chandler. Chris Paul and Chandler like to throw a lot of alley-oops, and O'Neal can't really jump anymore, so Shaq will have to move his feet and get in Chandler's way. Plus with Marion gone, a lot of the Sun's help defense has disintegrated, so much of this series will come down the defensve match-ups, one on one. And I don't like Phoenix's chances with the likes of Steve Nash, Grant Hill, and Amare Stoudamire being three of the guys called upon to play high-energy defense for long stretches.
Verdict: New Orleans in 7

Conference Finals
#1 Los Angeles vs. #2 New Orleans

LA has come into the playoffs with a head full of steam, winning 8 of their last 9 games. By this time, the Lakers will have Andrew Bynum coming off the bench, providing a huge lift for their already enormously talented second unit. Too much talent and too much Kobe will be all that keeps Chris Paul and gang from going to the Finals.
Verdict: Los Angeles in 6

NBA Finals

Los Angeles vs. Detroit

Detroit has home court in this case, since they have a better record, but I don't think that will come into play as much as everyone thinks. Detroit doesn't really have as much of a home court advantage as say... Utah or Boston, simply because their crowds aren't as into it. Maybe because it's been the same 6-7 guys on the team for 6 years now, and even the Pistons fans are starting to think that this is getting a little old. This is a rematch of the 2004 NBA Finals, where the Shaq-Kobe Lakers (with Gary Payton and Karl Malone!) got raped, hard and fast by a young hungry Pistons team. 5 years later, those young hungry Pistons are now old and full, and will not be able to take down the young Lakers with Kobe Bryant, who by this late in the postseason may be full-blown rabid with his desire for a championship. Thus, while fully frothing at the mouth, I expect Kobe to lead the Lakers in a series of crazy one-man performances (be on the look out for some 40 point games and 20 point quarters) and take home the title.
Verdict: Los Angeles in 6

The Robert Horry Theory

With the NBA regular season ending yesterday, the playoff matchups are set, and it's time to get down to the business of picking my winners...

...soon. Like tomorrow.

But first of all, a little expose on one of my (and Matt's) favorite NBA players: Robert Horry. Now, any regular person (non-NBA fan) or even only a casual NBA fan may not know who Robert Horry is. Here's a quick run-down of the important stuff.

Horry was drafted in '92 by the Houston Rockets with the 11th pick, and won championships with the Rockets' teams lead by Hakeem Olajuwon in 1994 and 1995. After a short-stop in Phoenix due to Houston's trading for Charles Barkley, Horry ended up on the Los Angeles Lakers in 1997. In his time with the Lakers, Horry won three more championships, in 2000, 2001, and 2002. After becoming a free-agent in 2003, Horry signed with the San Antonio Spurs, and won two more championships in 2005 and 2007. And that brings us up to the present, with Horry battling age and injury to help the Spurs attempt to win a second straight championship.

If you were counting, you would know that all together, Robert Horry has won 7 NBA championships. Seven. Now those who are not avid basketball fans may be like, "well what's so special about that." Here's a hint. Almost everybody in the world knows who Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson are. These three basketball legends of the mid-late 80's are considered in some circles to be the three greatest NBA players ever, but almost everyone in the NBA community acknowledges them as top 10 players. Yet, Robert Horry has won more championships than all of them (Jordan - 6, Magic - 5, Bird - 3). In fact, Robert Horry has won more championships than any player who did not play on the 1960's Celtics who won 11 championships in 13 years.

If that were not enough to amaze you, here are a list of facts supporting my Robert Horry Theory.

-Every single time a team with Robert Horry on it has made it to the NBA Finals, they have won the championship.
-Every single team that once had Robert Horry on it has yet to win a championship since losing Robert Horry (either via trade or free agency).
-Only members of the 1960's Celtics have more championships than Robert Horry, but the 1960's Celtics are the only teams to have players with a better record in the NBA Finals than Robert Horry (Horry is 7-0).

As such, the theory can be stated as such:

-If a team reaches the Finals and that team has Robert Horry, then that team will win the championship.

Notice that is different from, "if a team has Robert Horry, the team will win the finals." Notable exceptions to that case were in 2003 when the Horry's Lakers lost to the Spurs in the conference semifinals, and in 2006 when the Horry's Spurs lost to the Dallas Mavericks in the second round. Yet, because both of these losses were before the Finals, they do not conflict with the Robert Horry Theory as I have stated it.

Many people simply like to say that Robert Horry was just lucky. However, Horry had a notable number of game-winning shots on the road to winning many of his teams championships. These can be seen here. To commemorate one of these occasions, the band "Grand Incredible" wrote a song dedicated to Robert Horry's game-winning shot over the Sacramento Kings in the 2002 Western Conference Finals, seen below.

Tomorrow I'll probably write about my predictions, with the NBA Playoffs beginning on Saturday.

Evolution 2008.......wait no, this is about something completely different.

Here is a shocker.....I'm not writing about fighting games for once. JK has suggested that I do the Evolution entries once a week to dilute the topics, and I agree it should be done. I'll post on the next game sometime this week when I have free time. But today, I'm discussing something else, something I have just discovered only 2 hours ago, and something I fell in love with instantly.....racket ball.

Tonight, me and three friends of mine went to the campus gym and played racket ball. It was my first time ever. Now for those that know me, I am not an active person. I'm not exactly inactive (though at times I can be), its just that most physical activities don't interest me. Not baseball, football, hiking, kickball, etc. But racket ball has captured my heart. Its frightening having a ball potentially hit you in the face and bust your nose (and my case break my glasses and get glass in my eyes.....yikes). Hell it could be worse than that (my balls). And yet the game is just so fun, hitting that ball off walls. Not to mention that when the four of us split into teams, its team Joe versus team Cobra, thats just funny to me.

But this made me realize that there are a few physical activities I do enjoy, but that I just don't get the opportunity to do because of school and other commitments.

My second semester I played floor hockey. No I'm not the fastest guy nor do I have much endurance, so I played goalie. That was a blast. I was terrible in the beginning, but as my skills grew I grew that much more attached to the game. Hell my team placed second in the inter mural tournament. Unfortunately, many of my former teammates are gone to different schools or I just don't see them anymore. Not to mention that on Tuesday nights I have radio club meetings, so it's a no go.

Dodge ball. Who doesn't love dodge ball. I am terrible at this game but I love it to death. I recently played with other members of WNTE, the campus radio club, in the annual Communications dodge ball tourney, where all of the communication clubs battle it out. And since I ride and die for WNTE, of course I had to play. Again we placed second (damn T.V. club!)

Ping-pong. JK will appreciate this one. For a big guy like me, ping-pong is very physical. Since I have terrible accuracy with power shots, I rely on good foot work for a strong defense. And footwork is very physical. So I huff and puff after each game. But I love it. And as JK said in an earlier post, we do our best thinking during pong.

Volleyball. Not only is it fun, but I am decent at volleyball. I have the best endurance in volleyball, simply because I don't move around that much. I also have fond memories of volleyball. I have played it with my friends in youth group, my family during my sister's birthday party, and with friends here at college. And I always cherish memories such as those. Memories. Thats a good topic, but for another time.

And last, but certainly not least, is martial arts. I took Tae Kwon Do for about a decade. I am a certified 1st degree black belt. But I had to bust my ass to get it. Of all the physical things I have done, that was the most demanding. Hell, there were nights I would start wheezing, and I had to stop, nights when I felt I would vomit and my teacher had to check up on me. But I loved it. Martial Arts was my first true love, and she never broke my heart. I have very fond memories of those days. Sadly from what I hear in passing, my teacher is a shell of his former self, and one of mentors is effectively gone....

But racket ball. I love it. And me and the guys are going to try and play about three times a week. And next semester I'll be studying Judo with the Judo club. It's exciting.

Guide to Dick-hoodery, Part 2

As a part of the continuing series, I present JK's Guide to Dick-hoodery: How to Make Everyone You Meet Think You're a Complete Dick, Part 2. In case you missed the first one, here's a short review of the first 4 Rules.

1. Make sure everyone knows how great you are.
2. "One-up" every single statement made by any friend, colleague, acquaintance, or random stranger.
3. Control your conversations, preferably with as little input as possible from your audience, and definitely no input from those who would interrupt.
4. Never ever do anything that does not directly benefit yourself.

With that, let's get to the next few rules...

Rule #5: If someone makes a mistake or mis-speaks, make fun of them the entire night

If someone makes a mistake, say mis-quotes a movie or cannot follow a television or anime reference, make sure they know about it. Be consciously on the lookout for this types of slight mistakes, for these are the best to exploit to make your opposing party feel as shitty as possible. Movie quotes are the best, because you can ream on the person all night for their slight mistake, constantly bringing it up and never-letting it go. "Constantly" is the key here, since any of those who make mistakes should be justly punished for their error. Even if it would be just as easy for you to let it slide and pretend like they were correct in their reference, disregard that thought and continue to barrage them with insults about their sensory and/or analytic abilities. This is best, because even if they complain about it, you can always casually remark that they were wrong, and you were right, so therefore you are justified in throwing it in their face repeatedly. Any verbal counterattack from them is unjustified; after all, they were wrong. Thus, you can always claim that they are overreacting to your simple correction, even if you were/are a complete dick in doing so.

Rule #6: If you know any embarrassing moments involving someone, make sure you bring it up promptly and often: it's a great conversation starter.

This is best used when you have a friend or acquaintance with you at a certain event. If you're meeting new people and you're with a friend, and you happen to know an embarrassing moment involving that person, bringing it up is the best way to get a conversation going. So, whenever you go to a party or gathering with your friend, just casually throw them under the bus as a conversation starter. Good examples are: girls they stalked in high school, any type of failure, and any of the the mistakes stated above. "Hey, that's like the time you..." or "Yea that's just like when you..." are good intro's that can be used to lead into said embarrassing moments. Not only does this make your friend look bad, but it also makes you look superior to them by bringing up their faults in front of them. In this way, it is doubly beneficial in both increasing your image while decreasing your friend's. Thus, you are almost assured to have an advantage over that person when it comes to interacting with your new acquaintances.

Rule #7: Whenever someone makes you feel remotely uncomfortable, make sure to quickly retaliate (verbally and physically at times) without taking the time to think or understand what that person is truly trying to say.

This is key to maintaining your standing in front of an audience. If anyone (even someone who you may be interested in) makes you feel even remotely uncomfortable, make sure to retaliate and attack them in some way, shape, or form. It does not matter what they said, how they said it, or what they meant by it: if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it must have been a personal, unwarranted attack on yourself. If you take the time to actually stop and think about what they said, you will have wasted precious time and prestige by allowing them to escape unscathed (if even for a moment). It is absolutely imperative that you never, ever take an insult cleanly without response or reprise. Even if you could easily shake off such an insult, such as an insult to your grammar and/or diction, make sure you instead turn on the opposing person and pick out something as miniscule and meaningless and blast them with it.

Rule #8: Never ever let anyone else have the last word

This one is fairly self-explanatory: never ever let anyone else end a conversation. It must always be you who has the last line in a conversation. Even if that conversation is something as simple as "Yea," make sure that the last voice heard in any conversation is your own. Even if someone responds with, "wow I completely agree with you," make sure you respond with "Yea" or something like it. This is linked to Rule #3 and controlling the conversation. Since you must always be in control of your conversation, this makes it imperative that you are always the one who gets in the last line of a conversation. Not only does this control the conversation, but it also gives you an air of superiority (since it is their opinions that are coming to you and receiving your approval). Thus, not only do you maintain your status as conversation controller, but you also increase your superiority over others by forcing them to become your subordinate in a conversation. As an added bonus, if anyone ever brings this up to you, you can casually brush it off as nonsense and continue to control the conversation. As such, you are also impervious to insult, a great bonus to any and all those who wish to reach dick-hoodery.

To Be Continued...

The Time of my Life

Some times it's the little things that overwhelm us. Things we can't control. Things we wish we hadn't done. Things we wish we hadn't heard. Yet, sometimes, it can be just the passing of time that can so completely disturb us. I guess you can really only understand this feeling when you experience it: when you finally realize that life is coming at you at full speed, and you're really not ready for it. I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm not quite sure what I see. Maybe it's because I see myself all the time; after all, it's the things we see most often that we tend to overlook. As I stare at my reflection, I ask myself, "How much have I really changed?" How much have I really progressed? I honestly don't know. Sure, I've matured. Sure, some of my ideas have become more refined, and I've discarded my childish ideals. But I don't really see it. I don't see myself as an adult. In my heart, I'm still a child. I'm still the kid wanting to watch cartoons after school. I'm still the kid who gets yelled at by my mom for playing too many hours of video games. I'm still the kid who's imagination can take over my psyche at some points. I'd go into more detail, but then you'd probably really think I was crazy, and there's really only a few people whom I'd want to believe that I'm crazy.

I'm 21 years old, going on 22. I have a small core of really good friends. I have a good family, good circumstances, and relatively good fortune. I really couldn't, and shouldn't, ask for any more. But by the mere fact that I'm 21 going on 22, it means that I should be an adult. I should be beyond my childish fantasies, beyond my childish hobbies and habits. But I'm not. I guess it's about now when you start to look back. Look back on all the things you had. All the things you lost. All the things you could have done. All the things you should have done. Maybe because of that, it's difficult to move on. It's not so much regret, but moreso a feeling of lost opportunity. "I wish I'd done this" or "I wish I'd done that." "I wish I'd started earlier." "I wish I'd quit sooner." It's not as if I look back and wish to change anything. But that doesn't mean I don't wish that things had gone a little differently. Like if I'd experienced more earlier in life, maybe it wouldn't have affected me so much later. If I'd failed more significantly earlier in life, maybe failing later wouldn't have been so hard. If I'd been hurt more saliently earlier in life, maybe being hurt later wouldn't have been so difficult to overcome. Maybe if I'd grown up a little earlier, I wouldn't have to grow up so fast now.

One of my girl friends (different from girlfriend) asked me if I miss my friends from high school. I responded honestly, and said no: I don't miss them, because I still see all the friends from HS that I care about. But perhaps, just perhaps, I miss the simplicity of life back then. When all you had to worry about was the next day. When you could still be a kid and get away with it. When you could live carefree, because nothing really mattered as much. I didn't have to worry about making it in the real world back then. I didn't have to worry about preparing for the rest of my life. I didn't have to worry about decisions that will affect me until I die. Now I have to. I can't put it off any longer, because it's right here waiting for me.

I listened to this song the entire time that I wrote this article. Perhaps the song inspired this post. Or perhaps, this post inspired me to listen to this song. I hope you had the time of your life.

Guide to Dick-hoodery, Part 1

Since I have a reasonable amount of experience in the discipline, and the fact that many people don't know how to properly execute such techniques, I am here to present you with JK's Guide to Dick-hoodery: How to Make Everyone You Meet Think You're a Complete Dick. I preface this with saying that I don't know that dude in the picture (got the photo from the Wikipedia article for "Upturned Collar"), but if I had to pick a random image to associate with the word "dick," (in the non-penis sense) such a person would probably come up.

Now, for the guide...

Rule #1: Make sure everyone knows how great you are.

Whenever you're at a social gathering, be it a party, dinner, or just hanging with your friends, make certain that you mention how great you are early and often. Accomplish something completely unremarkable in the past year? Make sure they know about it! Even if your accomplishment is something as inane as finally managing to drag your ass out of bed to go to class, your accomplishments are certainly more important than anyone else's, and thus should be heard by the masses early and often (Within 10 minutes of the beginning of the gathering and about 3 to 5 times per hour to keep it fresh in their minds.). Phrases such as "Hey, you know what I did..." and "You know that I..." work as good lead-ins to touting said accomplishment.

Heck, even if you haven't accomplished anything, ever, just continue to tout your own greatness regardless of subject or audience. It's not as if you need proof or examples of such greatness; Your word is good enough for them.

Rule #2: "One-up" every single statement made by any friend, colleague, acquaintance, or random stranger.

This one is closely related to number one. If by chance your audience has shifted its attention to someone else and their acts or accomplishments, make sure to bring their attention back to your accomplishment in a reasonable amount of time (45 seconds should do). After all, it's not as if anyone else has ever done anything important with their time, so they might as well just sit back and listen to you talk about yourself and your greatness. The best way to do this is to "one-up" the person who is stealing your audience from you. To "one-up" someone, simply take whatever subject your opposition is touting, belittle it as much as possible, then comment on the fact that your accomplishments far outweigh your opposition's. Phrases such as "Oh yeah? That's (insert easy/simple/stupid/idiotic/pointless). Just last week I did...." work well in such cases. If you wish for a swift change of subject, simply use "Well listen to this" or "Well I did this," and your sentiment of belittling your opposition's accomplishment will be implied and easily inferred by your audience. It is also important to use this regardless of whether your accomplishment relates in any way whatsoever to the subject at hand. After all, it is imperative that their attention remains focused on you.

Rule #3: Control your conversations, preferably with as little input as possible from your audience, and definitely no input from those who would interrupt

This rule combines the skills you've gained through Rules 1 and 2, and allows you to "control the conversation." How does one "control" a conversation? This can easily be accomplished by continuously monologuing and not allowing your fellow convers-ee to interject. However, there are some cases where you may not want such (if you're trying to hook up with said convers-ee is most often the case). Thus, in order to allow your convers-ee/prey to respond while still controlling the conversation, you must simply prevent others from entering your conversation. Thus, if you are in a group larger than you and your prey (your prey may be more than one person, depending on how ambitious you are), make certain not to include any phrases that may bring others into the conversation. Make sure to avoid phrases such as, "What do you think?" "How are things going with you?" or "Having fun?" since such phrases may lead to interjection by outside parties. Also, never ever address anyone outside your prey by their name, as this will most certain lead to interruption. In short, keep the conversation focused on you and your prey, and do not include anyone in your conversation. The best case scenario is to have you and your prey talking, smiling, and laughing while everyone else is standing around awkwardly forced to take in your conversation from the outside.

Rule #4: Never ever do anything that does not directly benefit yourself

If you are already an expert dick, this rule probably has no meaning to you, because you probably only think in terms of yourself, so doing anything for someone else's sake is simply impossible for you. However, for those novices who may still help out others when they need a hand, make certain to stop as soon as possible. The reasoning is simple: any effort that you expend for someone else's benefit is effort that you could have used on yourself. Since we live in a world where we are constantly searching for ways to maximize our time and effort, it is thus best to focus all of your attention on yourself. Self-sacrifice? If you know what that means, forget it now. This is also related to Rule 3, since bringing someone else into a conversation not only diverts attention away from you, but it also expends effort on your part that you could have spent touting yourself. Thus, before you take any action or make any decision, make certain that the choice you make benefits only yourself, because if it benefits anyone else, it must surely not be the maximal choice.

(To Be Continued...)

Evolution 2008, Part 3: Marvel vs. Capcom 2

Wellllll I have noticed that my articles have basically called forth a fuck-ton of fighting game/Street Fighter ads to this blog. So once this series of articles is over, I will take a long break from speaking about fighting games (this will be the 3rd game out of six, so we're half way there; hang in there my friends). Besides, even I have other interests and topics to talk about.

The third game I will talk about is Marvel vs. Capcom 2, or MvC2 for short. Ahhhhh MvC2, one of my favorites. I've chosen this one to break up some of the monotony. Because while this game shares the six button layout of Street Fighter/Capcom fighting games, it is very different from the others. In fact, it's totally insane. Seriously, every aspect of this game is nuts, from the game itself to the community that plays it. Plus, it has characters from the Marvel comics line (which you probably guessed), and I love comics.

First, the history. MvC2 is part of a series of games known as the "VS." games. They all share some characteristics: high speed combat, chain combos out the wazoo , limited aerial combat, and then some. However, the first game to introduce this style of playing wasn't a cross over at all. It was called X-Men: Children of the Atom. You can guess what kind of characters were in this game.

After that came Marvel Super Heroes which had all sorts of Marvel characters including X-Men. Again while not really a crossover game, it had many of the early mechanics to be found in the VS. series. The first true crossover in the series was X-Men vs. Street Fighter. Aside from the original mechanics, it also introduced a tag team system, so it was two against two, with the ability to switch characters on the fly. This was followed by Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter, and then Marvel vs. Capcom, which introduced the idea of being able to summon an assist character to appear and strike the opponent.

Then in 2000(?) came Marvel vs. Capcom 2, which let you pick from teams of three, and you could call out your teammates to strike like you could the assist characters in the previous game. Not to mention it's an insanely fast game.....with Spider-Man.

Now on to the game's community. Mannnnnnn where to start. This community is insane. The best parallel I can make to these guys is rappers who have beef with other rappers, or maybe pro wrestling. Seriously, there are a lot of ghetto ass dudes who play this game, and usually there is some kind of beef that gets settled with a money match which makes for great entertainment. You'll hear things like "Yo Sentinel is a bitch!" or "Yo you think I suck! I'll money match you man, first to ten baby!" The hype these dudes make for the game is what keeps it going despite being eight years old.

But not everyone who plays it is some guy from the hood. In fact, the most dominate player in the scene is an Asian kid (JK holla at him) named Justin Wong. He has won something like 3 or 4 consecutive championships. He only lost recently, last year to a player named Yipes. (I may be wrong about this, but he did lose)

So there you have it. With the conclusion of this article, we are half way done. I'll leave you with a match video from Evolution 2006 of top players Sanford Kelly vs. Duc Do. This is the eighth game in a series of matches for like 5 grand (I'm not kidding).

Try not to have your head explode. Enjoy!

Cannot Catharsize: Gundam 00

It's spring-time, so that means one thing....gloom and sorrow for the next 4-5 months as I try to recoup from the loss of a season's worth of anime! Most of you probably don't know, but right about now is when most anime series in Japan wrap up, and spare some of the really popular ones, will not return ever again, or at least not until the fall. Some of the really popular ones, like Naruto and Bleach, usually go into filler mode during the summer months, which basically means weeks upon weeks of painfully inane dialogue, drawn-out, underdeveloped, insipid plotlines, and action sequences that look as if a 4-year old might have drawn them (I was thinking of using 12, but there are some really good 12 year old artists, so I chose 4, because at that age, kids don't really have full control of their bodies, so there's no way they can draw that well).

Sadly, the series that I am most crestfallen to see go (at least until its next season) is Gundam 00. For those of you unfamiliar with the Gundam franchise, it is probably the most popular franchise in Japanese anime, featuring gigantic robots fighting in armed conflict. While the series is diverse in theme and plot, most of the series' go something along the lines of: war breaks out, lots of people die, gundam emerges, wreaks havoc, gets owned at some point in the story, regroups, then takes a huge dump on the enemies collective face in some enormous climactic battle (yea, that last bit was a bit of a stretch, but you get the picture).

Most Gundam series are fairly predictable, with a small core of main characters (usually the gundam pilots and their love interests), an amazingly insane/talented enemy pilot (or group of enemy pilots), and a whole crap ton of fringe supporting characters. Thus, we have good guys vs bad guys, where the good guys get the upper hand, then begin to struggle, then get owned, then make the come back, then beat the bad guys, and the world is saved. End Series. Usually there's a spoon full of intrigue/theme in there, but not much.

What makes Gundam 00 so interesting is that the conflict is not between a force for good vs a force for evil. In actuality, it is two conflicting ideals battling with one another: one ideal choosing to impose order on the world to end conflict (the Gundams), and another ideal choosing freedom despite conflict. In this way, even though the series is still Gundams vs bad guys, the bad guys are not so bad (with possibly one exception, a warmongering terrorist who seems to only exist to perpetuate war). LIkewise, some of the "good guys" you grow to dislike, simply because of their blind pursuit of the ideal of peace at all costs (one Chinese girl is so blind as to say that "I don't care the price the world has to pay, as long as it changes." Pretty dangerous thoughts coming from a 17 year old Asian girl).

The first season of Gundam 00 also ended in a huge cliffhanger, with the good guys in complete disarray, new bad guys emerging, and the revelation of a new mobile suit (the aptly named, "Gundam 00") that, in the words of the Chinese girl, "will change the world." Needless to say, my already weak ability to process myself through catharsis has been rendered utterly incapable of freeing myself from the Gundam 00 universe, leaving me with hours upon hours of speculation and Wikipedia-surfing in search of new revelations and details (Ok, the hours upon hours may be a bit of hyperbole, maybe minutes upon minutes is more truthful, but saying minutes makes me seem so much less loser-like. And loser-like is what I'm going for, right?). If you don't know what catharsis is, please read the Wikipedia article, because it's really the explanation as to why we get emotional through experiences that we see in the form of art, but do not necessarily experience ourselves. It's a wonderful word which expresses exactly why I'm so attached to anime: because it's the art form that is most difficult for me to process myself out of. But, that's another article for another day.

I leave you with one of my favorite songs (206 play counts on my Ipod as of today, #7 of my most played songs), the first OP of Gundam 00, "Daybreak's Bell," by L'Arc-en-Ciel.

Purposeless Post #1

So, it's about 12:20 am. I'm sitting here, staring at my screen, thinking that I want to write, yet not knowing what about. Perhaps I'll write about some strange philosophical thought that I've had in the past couple days. But now I realize that I really haven't had any ground-breaking thoughts (or at least none that I'm going to share with you ;) ). Perhaps I'll write about some peculiar hobby of mine and share some sort of introspective thought based on my interactions via that hobby. And yet, I realize that my hobbies include: writing this, teaching math, playing cards, and watching anime. Nothing too interesting there, right? Perhaps I'll share with you a review of the past week or so of my life, share a couple interesting anecdotes, and let that be that. However, no one's really interested in that, right?

I continuously think about purpose. I've said before that purpose is unnecessary for continued existence, but purpose always provides motivation for that existence. Mostly, I think about the purpose of my actions. Particularly, why the hell I'm typing words into a page at 12:30 at night when I have no idea my reasons behind doing so. Honestly, I've begun to lose sight as to why I started this in the first place. Then again, I really didn't have a purpose when I started this blog: I just did it. I'm not sure if I want this to be a place simply for me to vent my excess frustrations and thoughts, or if I want it to become more. I'm not sure if I want this to be simply a medium for a small subset of my friends to express their thoughts on whatever subject matter they choose, or if I want it to become larger, involving more people.

I guess I'm just a huge pile of conflicting purposes right now. I want this to remain intimate and directed towards my friends, but everyday, I still check Google Webmaster Tools to check when's the last time my site was indexed by Google. Everyday I check Google Analytics to see how many new visitors I received, from where, for how long, and from what medium. Everyday i check my Adsense homepage to see if I earned .0005 cents today or not. Yet, none of this is really consistent with my desire to keep this just among my friends.

I really don't know. Perhaps it's because I don't really know how many people actually read this crap. Thus, I really have no motivation to write when I'm not especially interested in something (hence why I've come to write once every 3-4 days now instead of every day. And even when I do write, the posts have been pretty underdeveloped). Even if I had say, a handful of regular readers, that would be enough to encourage me to write for their entertainment, and not just for my own. Yet, all my data analysis on Google Analytics (yea, I really like that sort of stuff), has led me to believe that such is not the case.

Maybe it's because Judd keeps writing about fighting games that makes me wish that more people would come forward to write (to enhance the blog of course, not because I hate fighting games or anything like that. Seriously. Yea). But, I guess it takes a certain breed of person, like Judd, Matt, and Me, that wants/is able to express their thoughts via a written medium to desire to write on a blog.

But eh, this post has been pretty pointless. Just me sorta venting my ideas, even though I don't even know what I want or which direction I wish to pursue. But then again, nobody really reads this, so I guess it's of no consequence.

This one goes out to Judd, because I tried watching it at his house and he got scared cause he thought his dad was gonna disown him: perhaps the most unintentionally gay music video of all-time (key word is unintentionally), courtesy of TM Revolution (wow, check out 0:36. That's so hot in all the wrong ways).

Evolution 2008, Part 2: Street Fighter 3: Third Strike

Now I will introduce the second game in my self fulfilling articles about the Evolution Fighting Game Championships. That game, is Street Fighter 3: Third Strike.

Street Fighter 3: Third Strike (3S for short) was released in the arcades in 1999. It was the third revision of Street Fighter 3, the first two versions being Street Fighter 3: The New Generation and Street Fighter 3: Second Impact.

The SF3 series had three notable differences from past SF games, two of them aesthetic and the third a game play change.

The first difference was the graphics. SF3 ran on the new (at the time) CPS-3 hardware, which allowed for sprites that were much more fluid. In fact, the sprites graphics were so good that they held up against newer 2-d graphics until just recently.

The second difference was the cast. SF3 had all new characters like Yun and the new hero character Alex. Only Ryu and Ken returned from the original cast. In Second Impact, they brought back Akuma, and in 3rd Strike brought back Chun-Li. Other new characters were introduced in the later two revisions like Hugo and Twelve.

The third difference, and probably the most important difference since it's a game play difference, is the introduction of parrying. To parry attacks, you must press forward right when your opponent attacks to parry his attack (for low attacks you have to press down to parry it.) Parry not only stops the attack, but gives you an opportunity to strike back (as you would expect from a parry) There are other game play features not in the original SF series, but parrying is the biggest.

When it first game out, 3s was a commercial failure. Casual players missed the old characters and hated the new ones. Tournament players thought the game was bad, and didn't like the parry. Some people still don't like the parry, because it goes against SF's traditional emphasis on spacing games, since you could parry to lessen or neutralize the spacing game.

But then in 2004, two major events happened that would boost 3S's popularity within the fighting game scene.
The first, was the U.S. vs. Japan 3S 5 vs. 5 team battle, where as you probably guessed, 5 U.S. players went up against 5 Japanese players. Here is the short version of what happened: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GOT RAPED BY THE JAPANESE IN STREET FIGHTER 3: THIRD STRIKE!!!!!!! For the first time, people saw how much more the game had to offer, and saw how far behind we were the Japanese. U.S. players wanted to get as good as the Japanese, and so strove to become better in the game. (While the gap isn't nearly as big as before, I think the Japanese are still better so far).

The other event happened at Evolution 2004. Instead of telling you, I'll just show you. Here is the famous "parry incident" from a match between Justin Wong (playing Chun-Li) and Daigo Uhmehara (playing Ken)




Basically what happened is that after this happened, everyone who saw this got the game (which was released on the PS2, another thing that helped the game grow), and wanted to be like Daigo, trying to parry Chun-Li's super. Of course, that isn't going to happen for most people (including me) but regardless, despite that many of the new people playing may be scrubs, the video helped the game grow.

As for the 3S scene, it has to be the most popular in the U.S. because of the said events. If it isn't it's at least the most popular at the tournament, since it usually gets the most players.

As for who takes it, it will probably be a Japanese player. Unless I wasn't paying attention before and missed something, I am pretty sure an American has won (we have had some people close, but no cigar) Hopefully the U.S. wins one this time.

Well usually I end with a video, but since I already put one up, Ill just say see you next time.