Guide to Dick-hoodery, Part 1

Since I have a reasonable amount of experience in the discipline, and the fact that many people don't know how to properly execute such techniques, I am here to present you with JK's Guide to Dick-hoodery: How to Make Everyone You Meet Think You're a Complete Dick. I preface this with saying that I don't know that dude in the picture (got the photo from the Wikipedia article for "Upturned Collar"), but if I had to pick a random image to associate with the word "dick," (in the non-penis sense) such a person would probably come up.

Now, for the guide...

Rule #1: Make sure everyone knows how great you are.

Whenever you're at a social gathering, be it a party, dinner, or just hanging with your friends, make certain that you mention how great you are early and often. Accomplish something completely unremarkable in the past year? Make sure they know about it! Even if your accomplishment is something as inane as finally managing to drag your ass out of bed to go to class, your accomplishments are certainly more important than anyone else's, and thus should be heard by the masses early and often (Within 10 minutes of the beginning of the gathering and about 3 to 5 times per hour to keep it fresh in their minds.). Phrases such as "Hey, you know what I did..." and "You know that I..." work as good lead-ins to touting said accomplishment.

Heck, even if you haven't accomplished anything, ever, just continue to tout your own greatness regardless of subject or audience. It's not as if you need proof or examples of such greatness; Your word is good enough for them.

Rule #2: "One-up" every single statement made by any friend, colleague, acquaintance, or random stranger.

This one is closely related to number one. If by chance your audience has shifted its attention to someone else and their acts or accomplishments, make sure to bring their attention back to your accomplishment in a reasonable amount of time (45 seconds should do). After all, it's not as if anyone else has ever done anything important with their time, so they might as well just sit back and listen to you talk about yourself and your greatness. The best way to do this is to "one-up" the person who is stealing your audience from you. To "one-up" someone, simply take whatever subject your opposition is touting, belittle it as much as possible, then comment on the fact that your accomplishments far outweigh your opposition's. Phrases such as "Oh yeah? That's (insert easy/simple/stupid/idiotic/pointless). Just last week I did...." work well in such cases. If you wish for a swift change of subject, simply use "Well listen to this" or "Well I did this," and your sentiment of belittling your opposition's accomplishment will be implied and easily inferred by your audience. It is also important to use this regardless of whether your accomplishment relates in any way whatsoever to the subject at hand. After all, it is imperative that their attention remains focused on you.

Rule #3: Control your conversations, preferably with as little input as possible from your audience, and definitely no input from those who would interrupt

This rule combines the skills you've gained through Rules 1 and 2, and allows you to "control the conversation." How does one "control" a conversation? This can easily be accomplished by continuously monologuing and not allowing your fellow convers-ee to interject. However, there are some cases where you may not want such (if you're trying to hook up with said convers-ee is most often the case). Thus, in order to allow your convers-ee/prey to respond while still controlling the conversation, you must simply prevent others from entering your conversation. Thus, if you are in a group larger than you and your prey (your prey may be more than one person, depending on how ambitious you are), make certain not to include any phrases that may bring others into the conversation. Make sure to avoid phrases such as, "What do you think?" "How are things going with you?" or "Having fun?" since such phrases may lead to interjection by outside parties. Also, never ever address anyone outside your prey by their name, as this will most certain lead to interruption. In short, keep the conversation focused on you and your prey, and do not include anyone in your conversation. The best case scenario is to have you and your prey talking, smiling, and laughing while everyone else is standing around awkwardly forced to take in your conversation from the outside.

Rule #4: Never ever do anything that does not directly benefit yourself

If you are already an expert dick, this rule probably has no meaning to you, because you probably only think in terms of yourself, so doing anything for someone else's sake is simply impossible for you. However, for those novices who may still help out others when they need a hand, make certain to stop as soon as possible. The reasoning is simple: any effort that you expend for someone else's benefit is effort that you could have used on yourself. Since we live in a world where we are constantly searching for ways to maximize our time and effort, it is thus best to focus all of your attention on yourself. Self-sacrifice? If you know what that means, forget it now. This is also related to Rule 3, since bringing someone else into a conversation not only diverts attention away from you, but it also expends effort on your part that you could have spent touting yourself. Thus, before you take any action or make any decision, make certain that the choice you make benefits only yourself, because if it benefits anyone else, it must surely not be the maximal choice.

(To Be Continued...)