The Time of my Life

Some times it's the little things that overwhelm us. Things we can't control. Things we wish we hadn't done. Things we wish we hadn't heard. Yet, sometimes, it can be just the passing of time that can so completely disturb us. I guess you can really only understand this feeling when you experience it: when you finally realize that life is coming at you at full speed, and you're really not ready for it. I look at myself in the mirror, and I'm not quite sure what I see. Maybe it's because I see myself all the time; after all, it's the things we see most often that we tend to overlook. As I stare at my reflection, I ask myself, "How much have I really changed?" How much have I really progressed? I honestly don't know. Sure, I've matured. Sure, some of my ideas have become more refined, and I've discarded my childish ideals. But I don't really see it. I don't see myself as an adult. In my heart, I'm still a child. I'm still the kid wanting to watch cartoons after school. I'm still the kid who gets yelled at by my mom for playing too many hours of video games. I'm still the kid who's imagination can take over my psyche at some points. I'd go into more detail, but then you'd probably really think I was crazy, and there's really only a few people whom I'd want to believe that I'm crazy.

I'm 21 years old, going on 22. I have a small core of really good friends. I have a good family, good circumstances, and relatively good fortune. I really couldn't, and shouldn't, ask for any more. But by the mere fact that I'm 21 going on 22, it means that I should be an adult. I should be beyond my childish fantasies, beyond my childish hobbies and habits. But I'm not. I guess it's about now when you start to look back. Look back on all the things you had. All the things you lost. All the things you could have done. All the things you should have done. Maybe because of that, it's difficult to move on. It's not so much regret, but moreso a feeling of lost opportunity. "I wish I'd done this" or "I wish I'd done that." "I wish I'd started earlier." "I wish I'd quit sooner." It's not as if I look back and wish to change anything. But that doesn't mean I don't wish that things had gone a little differently. Like if I'd experienced more earlier in life, maybe it wouldn't have affected me so much later. If I'd failed more significantly earlier in life, maybe failing later wouldn't have been so hard. If I'd been hurt more saliently earlier in life, maybe being hurt later wouldn't have been so difficult to overcome. Maybe if I'd grown up a little earlier, I wouldn't have to grow up so fast now.

One of my girl friends (different from girlfriend) asked me if I miss my friends from high school. I responded honestly, and said no: I don't miss them, because I still see all the friends from HS that I care about. But perhaps, just perhaps, I miss the simplicity of life back then. When all you had to worry about was the next day. When you could still be a kid and get away with it. When you could live carefree, because nothing really mattered as much. I didn't have to worry about making it in the real world back then. I didn't have to worry about preparing for the rest of my life. I didn't have to worry about decisions that will affect me until I die. Now I have to. I can't put it off any longer, because it's right here waiting for me.

I listened to this song the entire time that I wrote this article. Perhaps the song inspired this post. Or perhaps, this post inspired me to listen to this song. I hope you had the time of your life.